ATTN: fellow homosexuales.
Welcome to the 21st century.
Now, I know we’re almost a decade in, but with over 90 years until the 22nd, I think the greeting still stands strong. Bush is gone, Barack is here, and more and more of us our proud to be queer. That said, stereotypes exist for a reason and I’d like to make a few suggestions to all those burgeoning gays.
Number one: the sibilant ‘s’ is out. 2009 is all about the brassy ‘z’. Let’s turn that lispth into an aural “snap, snap, SNAHHHP!” Mmmhmmm, boiZ. You KNOW it. Attitude.
Number two: shut up with the “fierce.” Leave that adjective to what’s his face, that bespectacled Project Runway champ.
Number three: how flattering is mesh, really? Come on, people, we’re in a recession. Save some money, ditch the gay lace and just party with your pecs out. Hell, if you’re REALLY as glittery of a twink as your drunken self wants Facebook to think, then find out who did the make up for “Twilight” and VAMP IT UP like a naked Cullen on vacation in LA.
Numero cuatro: throw in an arbitrary Spanish word every now and then. Spanglish may be the future de los Estados Unidos; so why not inject a little Latin fire in your vocabulary. An “adios” + a bat of the eyelash is just that much sexier than “see yah later.”
Number six: add “LOL” to the “NO! No, fuck no”* list. If you really are laughing out loud, then just type some form of HAHAHA, depending on the degree of raucousness the inciting comment deserves. And if you’re going as far to verbalize this abbreviation, just…just…shhh.
Finally, Number six: if you haven’t added Sam Sparro’s rendition of “American Boy” to your Fuck Me Hard (as my roommate calls hers) sex mix, do it now. NOW! His throaty, man voice adds a whole new meaning to Estelle’s lyrics. Especially because he is, in fact, gay. Thus, while still a celebrity, that much more attainable to members of our team. Think about THAT when you get tough ‘n’ tendah (as I’ve titled mine) with yourself.
Sincerely,
Me.
*Gracias a la Christian Bale for that gem.
