You know how everyone else knew I was gay? 1:1
At the end of my freshmen year of college, a good 15 months before I sprung out of the closet, I sent this email to my friends and family.
From: lindsaylohanshusband@yahoo.com
To: undisclosed recipients
I thought you would prefer to hear the news from me before it is plastered over all the news tomorrow morning — Lindsay and I are getting divorced.
I know, it’s sad, but sometimes things just don’t work out. I guess our love wasn’t as pure as we thought, as pure as the coke she was snorting off of Colin Farrell’s ass — we all saw the photos, don’t attempt to shield me any longer.
But it was not just her philandering, drug abuse, and unhealthy relationship with food that drove us apart, she just couldn’t stand that my own fame is growing too. Ever since I strutted across the Mr. Super Block stage decked out in red, velour, booty shorts (previously designated for her eyes only) the paparazzi have been on me like Paris Hilton on everyone else’s boyfriend. I am no longer Lindsay Lohan’s husband, and she just can’t deal with it.
I will be leaving the country, spending four months traveling around Europe, collecting my thoughts and planning my new, post Lindsay life. I will be sure to send you all emails and photographs documenting my journey (even though I KNOW you won’t be able to open up a magazine without seeing my photo — especially since I will be wearing my infamous red, velour, booty shorts all 123 days simply to spite my former spouse) and you can contact me at my new email address: justinjosephwienkers@yahoo.com. It is with your support that I will make it through this separation, and you can show your support by purchasing (and sporting at least once a week until I return) a LOHAN DOESN’T DESERVE NO MAN LIKE JJ T-shirt on my website http://mouthofjj.blogspot.com .
Lots of love and subpoenas,
Lindsay Lohan’s soon to be EX-Husband,
Justin Joseph Wienkers
No wonder, “I’m gay” was met with variations of, “Duh.”
Thanks to my friend, also named Lindsay, coincidentally, for scrounging up this gem from the depths of her own email archives.
