“I found your girl twin.”
Was all my friend Eric needed to say.
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That’s…Not a compliment. 1:4
“I wasn’t sure I was attracted to you, at the club,” a boi told me as he stroked my hair, late one night, last fall. “But you have a nice shape.”
“Why –” I struggled, drunkenly, out of the crook of his arm, turning to stare at him, flabbergasted, “would you tell me that?”
Fortunately for him, I had to rush to the bathroom and hurl up a half gallon of vodka Red Bull, effectively removing the pressure to atone for his backhanded flattery.
He got a similarly bittersweet taste in his own mouth, though – when I kissed him full on the lips after returning to bed without brushing my teeth.
You know how I know I’m…Uh…In favor of Prop 19?
It’s like…I’m inside… a giant, glass, of waaater, I thought, standing motionless in the shower, Saturday night.
Yeeeahhh. Akin to the moment of realization that you are finally falling asleep, it is when the crazy, arduous to articulate thoughts begin that you also know you’re…
Uh…
That you’re…
…
What was I typing about?
Abstinence if only.
There are three things in this world to which I can NOT say no:
- Donuts.
- Chips and salsa.
- A chivalrous six pack of abs.
ImeanMAN! A chivalrous man. So long as his personality is rock solid, I suppose that the level of muscle definition is open to compromise.
Unfortunately, it is only the first two that are easy to acquire – at multiple 24/7 establishments located on the route along which I stroll home after routinely failing to meet the ever elusive third.
Siiiiigh…
“Oneday,” I mumble to myself through a bite of chocolate frosted cruller.
Not even the tip.
“No…” the costumed ninja I attempted to seduce back to my bungalow on Halloween night denied my advances. “My dick is just too big.”
“Shhhut the fuck up,” I smacked him on the pec.
“It’s – we couldn’t even – really, it’s just too big,” he shrugged. “Sorry.”
“Mmmhmm,” I rolled my eyes before wandering away in search of another boi with whom to bring my character – Dead Pirate Whore – to life.
Whether he was looking to get away from or out for me, I suppose it is best that we never get involved. Because either way, he’s right. It’s science:
Even if we were to fall in love, it couldn’t keep us together if his dick would tear me apart.
