Fuck, Marry, Kill: The 2011 Republican Edition.
Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney.
Uh…
Pass. Can you pass? You can’t pass?
I don’t want to play anymore.
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Aileen Wuornos WHO.
Stop saying that you’re not “running to be anyone’s judge” and give a straight answer, already, Monster Bachmann.
“I think my views are clear.” Uh…
You know what, lady? They most certainly are. To those of us who can read between the lines.
And you best believe that every self-respecting gay man and woman and heterosexual ally 18-years-old and above will be doing everything within our legal, voting rights as your fellow Americans to block your potential ascension to power.
Register discount.
“So, you were right,” my friend Mercedes finally conceded the other night. “She’s…”
“Busted,” I reiterated what I had been drilling into her for the past several months, an effort to assuage the sting of rejection left by the abrupt exodus of an aesthetically, not to mention emotionally, unworthy former lover.
“Well…Not quite ‘busted,’ ” still – she attempted to soften the blow, “So much as…”
“Slightly damaged? Like, take that can up front and request a few nickels off?”
“Yes! NO! Yeah…Shoot.”
“Mmhmm,” I nodded, grateful that she finally seems to have regained some perspective. “Register – discount.”
Go on; use the phrase yourselves. Physical insults are cheap and cruel when tossed in the subject’s face, but everyone has experienced a similar pain and sometimes we must stoop to private pettiness in order to achieve closure and enlightenment.
Operation Don’t Fuck It Up.
“What should his code name be?” My friend Liana asked as we speed walked to dodgeball a couple Tuesdays ago.
“Nothing! I love his name!” I gushed. “I want to say it all the time!”
“Maybe not in West Hollywood, though,” she suggested. “What if someone overhears?”
“Let ‘em!” I continued, manically. “It’ll all be good. I’m not going to say anything TOO crazy.”
“Yeah…” Her tone didn’t match the consensus usually implied by the word.
“Do you think I’m already getting too crazy?!” I gasped.
“Not yet,” she smiled, “but it’s just that everyone’s red alert button is at a different sensitivity level and you never know what might scare someone else off.”
“Hmm…Fair point,” I acquiesced. “I’ve never met another gay man with his same name. What should we call him, then?”
“Dishes!” We both concluded at once.
Inarguably, linking this piece to the stream of other, thinly veiled references to this particular crush negates the stealth method of classification Liana hath suggested. Especially as his commenting, “What a fortunate homeless man,” beneath my Facebook post directing friends to the first instance made it quite clear that he knows I am writing about him. However, Dishes has already disregarded my affections. Thus, while unfortunate, exposing his alias is no longer kamikaze in nature.
And at least it was through a face-to-face interaction that our potential pairing was botched. Operation Be Bold And Follow His Text Cues And Him To MJ’s In Silver Lake After He Left The Eagle Without Saying Goodbye Even Though We Had Made It Known To One Another Earlier In The Week That We Would Both Start Our Nights There And Most Likely Finish It And Each Other Off At My New Bungalow – to be as transparent as the Obama administration once promised. Although expertly strategized, his friends’ churlish reaction of, “SERIOUSLY?!” when aghast upon witnessing the completion of my mission confirmed the need to abort any plans for continued pursuit.
Apparently they saw me as more of a STALKER than a romantic warrior. But again, rather that I watched myself shoot myself in the heart than to have had an acquaintance of his do it for me by relaying that a fit, shaggy haired white boy with a propensity for self-made sleeveless attire had been overheard publicly rhapsodizing about falling in love with him after just one date. In that sense: I consider Operation Don’t Fuck It Up to have been a success.
Now on to the next target!
No shame after Pride.
“I met you before,” more than a few people have said this month, their eyes falling in mild irritation. “Twice.”
“What?!” I always laugh. “I’m sorry. Where?”
“Pride?” They cling to the uptalk and the last hope that I might actually remember them.
“Ohhh - well there you go. You can’t begrudge me THAT. I was drunk for three straight days.”
That excuse has appeased most of them. As for the rest, well, whatever. I forgot them for a third time when their frown failed to flip the fuck back around.
