Face-parking ticket.
Failing to move your car in time for street cleaning: $60.00.
Reason being the reception of an 8 a.m. rim job: WORTH IT.
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Talk euphemistically to me.
No one says, “Let’s go all the way,” anymore.
Well, actually, I’m sure there are a few thousand 15-year-olds standing next to their boyfriend or girlfriend’s locker, fumbling to articulate that suggestion right now.
For those of us a decade or more past puberty, however, doing it is the expected conclusion to most dates and an integral compOnent to any healthy, romantic relationship.
Still…there will always be an inherent sweetness to the phrase, a youthful excitement to which harking back, on occasion, may serve to maintain our appreciation for adulthood’s greatest perk.
So let’s all give it shot, yah? And dust it off the next time we’re in the heat of foreplay. Something like:
“I know I’ve been rimming your asshole for the last 30-minutes, so I’m all but certain that you’ll agree, but…let’s go all the way tonight!”
…for example.
Gay dude, straight talk. 1:1
According to my friend, Rebecca, under no circumstance are you to call a woman “girlie.” Nor are you to celebrate any aspect of life with the phrase “cool beans.”
Not if you ever want to flick her bean again.
Rebecca may be but one voice, but it is not far-fetched to hypothesize that many of her hip, young, sexy and intelligent peers will concur – in the comments section, below.
So stick with me, dudes who likes dames…
And I’ll do my part to keep you inside both their hearts and straight ‘n’ narrows.
Uncertainty in numbers.
“Chris,” the boi with a booty as solid and symmetrical as two eight pound bowling balls spoke into his phone, Monday morning. “He drove me.”
I peered at him curiously; pulling on my underwear and plucking my DIY ay-yi-YI-those-are-short cut offs up off of the floor of my bungalow as he wrapped up the call.
“You do know my name isn’t Chris, right?” I smirked, but the question was legitimate.
“Yes –” he paused, grinning teasingly, “JJ. He was asking about yesterday afternoon.”
“Just checking,” I laughed.
One can never be completely sure how much a new lover remembers when you solicit their pro boner services after 3 a.m. Even when the inquiry is made via Facebook chat and, thus, appears in print, below both your first and last name and profile photo.
Especially not when you’re just one of their 1,883 friends – and counting.
Fellatiosophy.
If you go down on someone in their car and a homeless man is asleep in the abandoned armchair you parked next to, does that count as exhibitionism or a complete disregard for Los Angeles’ displaced population?
Seeing as he had woken up and wandered off by the time we put our seats back in their upright and locked positions – Imma gonna say both. And, uh, maybe a smidge of indecent exposure, too; because he surely got a glimpse. Although, lemme tell yah:
It is more than decent, what was exposed to me.
